January is for Joy, Volume III - January 22 - February 6

January is for Joy, Volume III

January 22

We recently started going to a weekly tiny tots music class at lovely Frying Pan Park.  You might remember that I am a music teacher, and you might think it redundant to pay money to attend someone else's music class with my child.  I will confess that I am enjoying this little covert operation and joyfully flying under the radar.  I have no plans to ever tell this sweet woman that I, too, can operate the remote on a boombox sound system to cue the next song while also remembering exactly how many ducks came baaaaaaack.  I love that the only thing I need to worry about for those 45 minutes is whether Arthur will indeed lick the egg shaker, or if he will instead spontaneously hurl it across the room.  Part of the routine within the class is that each kid gets to have a turn to request a song that everyone sings and everyone plays a little instrument to accompany.  Most kids are requesting things like "If You're Happy and You Know It" or "Wheels on the Bus" or "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".  I was curious what Arthur would say when it was his turn, and I fought the urge to intervene beforehand - you know, that little urge to somehow coach him or make sure he was gonna understand what the teacher was gonna ask him (a reaction that I've decided is 100% about me and not my child and I'm going to stop it, thank you very much).  The teacher very warmly asked Arthur what song he wanted to sing and he, in his best little 2-yr old matter of factness said, "Lesssssss.....dooooo.......JINGLE BELLS!!!!!"  So, we did.  Christmas spirit is still alive and well around here.  

January 23

Matt and I got to enjoy an evening out for dinner, thanks to his parents being in town.  Though I think we had this opportunity just a few weeks ago, it never feels like it's often enough.  We tried a new-to-us Asian restaurant in Vienna, which was very good and had nice ambience.  We talked at a slower pace with no interruptions.  I noticed what color my husband's eyebrows are and exactly how he rolls up his shirtsleeves.  We walked down the street to Bazin's and sat at the bar for French red wine and dessert, which was a hazelnut chocolate sundae.  Anything involving hazelnut is just extra joy.  

January 24

It rained.  It was cold.  It's still January.  BUT...we have new rain gear to use!  We were waiting for a time when we could go walking in the rain with our new stuff, so walk in the rain we did.  And you know what?  Nothing happened.  We weren't even grumpy.  We even waved to a neighbor who was watching us walk by from inside their (warm) home.  We made it about a quarter mile before turning around and heading back home.   And now the little airplane umbrella is perched beside the garage door just waiting for another chance, and that alone is a little piece of happy.

January 25

This is not a big deal to most people, but I took Arthur out to lunch today.  By myself.  I conquered my fears of toddler-behaving-badly in public, packed my little parent tote bag of cars, magic-paint books, crayons, paper, cheerios, a banana, those tiny little lip balms you get from the dentist that never actually make their way inside of your house but instead end up in your purse - and we had lunch.  At Silver Diner.  So...okay, the bar was pretty low.  I mean, I didn't try to go to a 3-course tasting menu or to high tea.  But this is the part of parenting that I have delightedly delegated to my husband who is really great at it.  He takes charge of any restaurant outing and keeps everything humming along peacefully.  I tend to go pessimistic and assume an epic meltdown will surely happen at any minute, and that we will be those people that others write about in their lengthy "my day was now ruined" musings.  (So far, there have been no epic meltdowns in public.  And really, the ones at home are not really epic.  But maybe they don't feel epic because we are in the privacy and peace of our own home?)  We ate, we colored, we talked, we watched cars come and go out the window, they sat us in the way-way-way back (which, ironically sorta made me sad...I was up for the challenge!), we rolled cars on forks and in spoons, and the whole experience was completely normal enough that I'd do it again.  

January 26

These two.  We got to have an all-day play day!  They are the cutest and are really very sweet to each other.  We played with numerous toys, practiced sharing, sang circle songs, made animal sounds, and invented a new balancing game in which I hold a standing toddler balanced on my lap until they fall down.  I can't decide which part of the game is more physically painful for me, but the giggles are pretty worth it.  

January 27

This was a lazy-on-purpose Sunday and, except for a morning workout, I milked it for all I could.  We went for a long walk, we had takeout, and it was nice to deliberately get nothing done.  So nice that I might start scheduling days like this once in a while.  

January 28

Today was Arthur's Half-Birthday!  If you're not celebrating half-birthdays, you should be.  Especially if it falls in January and in the dead of winter.  It's a great excuse (not that we as a family need one) to make cake.  We even sang and had two and a half candles.  I call it practice for the big day.  He was so excited to eat cake and to practice saying "and a HAFF".  Joyous.

January 29

I sent out New Years cards this year instead of Christmas cards.  I gotta tell you...it was as fabulous as the hunch I've always had that it would be.  I did them across two calm evenings instead of in a frantic huff between exhausting holiday things.  It's like a social loophole for people who like to do things a little later than everyone else.  They were on sale.  My favorite holiday in the universe is New Year's Eve so....why did I not invent this in the first place?  Anyway, I did this for the first time this year and I'm most definitely keeping it in the plans.   But one of the cool things that I wasn't thinking about happening as a result but that did happen - I have gotten several spontaneous responses from friends about how much they liked getting the card and also how they wanna make plans to get together.  I mean, sure, I almost always have some sort of radar for getting together with friends, but I wasn't expecting the cards to generate multiple motivated people with calendars handy.  

So today, one of my great teacher friends who retired last year was able to come over for lunch and to hang out - a plan motivated after she received the card in the mail.  It was wonderful.  She brought me a mocha frappuccino thingy which I don't like but drank anyway because she's so nice and said it seemed like a "teacher thing" and she didn't wanna show up empty-handed.  It was so nice to get to talk away from a copy machine or within a 6-minute window before we had to be somewhere for somebody.  She raved about my salad because she's the nicest person ever and played guess-which-hand-the-grape-is-in with Arthur until he was howling with laughter.  It was such a nice treat on an otherwise normal weekday and I'm now even more validated with my New Year Card life hack.  Who's hanging out with me next??

January 30

My mom came to visit today.  And for the first time since before Arthur was born, she got to visit with the added spontaneity of an indefinite departure date.  Of course, this has come about for a sad reason (my grandfather's passing, thus ending my mother's caretaker responsibilities), but we are trying to take it one day at a time and focus on some of the brighter things.  For me personally, her visiting means getting to shower alone and at a leisurely pace, doing laundry at a much faster clip, a few meals out with my husband, and that general sense of feeling like someone else has "got it" - the word 'it' being the all-encompassing mental load - for a minute.  For Arthur, it means lots of giggling, Sesame Street, extra treats like doughnuts and cake, horsey on her lap, and tons of snuggles.  We are thankful for that.  

January 31

Today started well but ended not as well.  And tomorrow was even worse.  That was a fun sentence to write.  But there were some small joyous things.  The morning was full of a hilarious text exchange between my good friend from my hometown about a situation that only he and I would find funny.  One of those moments of "we should be more shocked but we're not" to share, but to share in a clever, creative way instead of just narration.  And later, after a bumpy afternoon, the movie "Groundhog Day" was on for me to zone out to for a bit.  Though not quite as beloved as "What About Bob?" (one of my go-to cheer up movies), it's a close second in the Bill Murray clever wit category.  And now, upon writing this, I realize that the day was sandwiched in cleverness.  Let's acknowledge and move on.

February 1

A very unfortunate and inconvenient combination of misunderstanding and disagreement took place today.  It was not joyous at all.  I was thinking of changing my "January is for Joy" to "February is for Fun"...but this would not be a great kick-off event.  Anyway, if I look on the bright side - the point of this exercise - I can say that I am thankful to have had enough clarity in the moment to speak up for myself and acknowledge that a boundary had been crossed.  I despise conflict and most often try to avoid it.  But the older I get the more I am realizing that some conflicts are unavoidable and you have to at least try to stay true to your values through them.  I have a tendency to bend so far toward the plight of the conflict that I barely have a toe left to stand on - time to get more toes back on the ground.  

But the other joyous thing was that it was a snow day for the county which meant I had sudden, much-needed access to one of my best friends (who'd otherwise be teaching) for some validating voice of reason.  And a beer.  And really good chili.  And life-affirming wisdom.  She's a good egg, that one.  

February 2

This is gonna read like a partial advertisement / partial teenage diary.  You'll see what I mean at the end, if you get there.  ;-) 

I decided in mid-January to try a (free) intro class at Pure Barre.  I have a friend who has been doing it for years and she raves about it, in addition to the fact that she looks amazing.  She's always looked amazing, but I mean the kind of amazing that makes you notice it when you're out shopping with her and are in neighboring dressing rooms trying on clothes.  So, I went to the intro class.  I was very warmly welcomed at the front desk, I even felt comfortable enough to make a joke within the first minute in front of new people (a very rare urge!), and I was very thoroughly introduced to the class' concept and what I could expect.  Within two minutes of the class starting, I could barely do anything we were supposed to at least try doing.  It was unbelievably challenging.  The woman who oriented me to the class told me the idea was to hit muscle fatigue with each move and that it would realistically take me about seven classes before I would start to "get it".  Yep - information that was highly accurate and obvious within the first two minutes.  My form was terrible, I was quickly looking for ways to just survive, the teacher was trying to gently help me make adjustments so that I'd at least be starting moves from the correct form but I was immediately in so much pain from general muscle weakness that I had to give up pretty quickly and just hope I could do it enough to not be noticed as being out of sync with the rest of the class.  (cue major peer pressure)  I hung in there for the rest of the class, talked with the front desk staff about options to try it out more, discussed the hopelessness I felt (I believe I asked, "am I gonna get even a little better at it?") and heard two experienced people's accounts of starting from a place of hopelessness and building to a place of confidence.  There was a discount to try it out for the first month plus a free week....I decided I couldn't really make a true decision for or against without trying it more thoroughly.  

I should also note that when making a decision about something like this, I do factor in what this decision seems to look like for other people.  As in, "are these my kind of people?".   Most everyone in the class looked very fit and relatively confident, but there was a guy there who literally had the body of a Disney prince character.  And he was as kind as one too!  I spent half the class (when I had to face the back of him upon switching legs/sides) thinking does he look like that from doing this class?!...holy hell.  

I spent the next three days equally as sore from a 50-minute workout than from a full marathon, and I assure you that I am not exaggerating for affect.  My fingers were even sore.  Those muscles where the front of your neck meets your chest.  My core was so sore that I couldn't sneeze, cough, twist, get up or down, lift my arms, lower my arms, swing my arms without wincing in major pain.  And remember, I did not perform even half of the movements, and the ones I did perform I did mostly incorrectly or at the very least with extremely low integrity.  

My second, third, and especially my fourth class were not proving much easier, though there were teeny tiny moments of progress.  I was also maybe 20% less sore in between sessions.  The fourth class was particularly tough, and I came home feeling very defeated.  I was starting to doubt whether this was something I really needed or wanted to try.  BUT!  Y'all...my pants started to fit better.  After four times.  My posture was noticeably better.  My core felt more accessible - something I have not really ever felt, but has especially been missing after pregnancy, diastasis recti, and an umbilical hernia.  I went for a run and it felt...easier.  (Side note - after several running injuries that all have something to do with muscle weakness and consequent compensating/overuse, I desperately need core strength to improve, and I've exhausted all the mental games I've invented to try and avoid working on it.)  So..drawing on a lesson learned from exclusively pumping for 7+ months to "never quit on a bad day", I forged on.  This brings me to today.  

Today, I went to my fifth class.  Perhaps it was the combination of the massive ball of stress I was from the previous two days, or the fact that I had decided to ease the self-pressure and wait six days before going again, or the new-to-me teacher who seemed to be more my vibe, or the fact that she picked music a little better suited to my personal taste - but it was the first time I was able to at least approach most of the class requirements with hope and a tiny bit more strength.  I felt so invigorated and encouraged and I even made sure to thank the teacher and tell her that I really liked her style of teaching and that I was very new and appreciated her encouragement and tips.  And I no longer feel nervous to go to the next class, because even though it will still be hard, I now have a little positive proof on my side that I will be eventually get stronger - even if it feels slow or in tiny increments.

My clothes continue to feel looser.  I am standing taller.  I am less critical of my profile in the mirror.  I can see more definition in my biceps without squinting.  And dare I say it...I feel...sexier.  It feels like I'm reclaiming my body after years of my body being a tertiary concern, at best.  I danced four days a week for 11 years of my childhood.  Though the barre workouts are not geared towards any dancing or ballet (other than turning your toes out for some of the moves like in first position ballet and the fact that there is an actual barre in the room to use), I sense a general goal of building long, lean, dancer-like muscles.  So maybe, I will eventually look like a dancer without having to wear the itchy tutus or bright pink lipstick.  

February 3

We hosted a SuperBowl Party today!  It was fun to see a friend I hadn't seen since last June.  I found the game to be quite boring, but that's partly why we invited people over - to talk during most of it.  It was also fun to get the house sorta back in order under the pressure of having people over, so it feels like a (very) temporary clean slate.  

February 4

Today was a little more joyous because a few nagging, procrastinated tasks were successfully completed.  I enjoy the feeling of things being cleared from my brain-space, and this was one of those satisfying days that included that effect.

February 5

Today's joy is the joy of massive relief.  Last Thursday, we took Arthur to his 30-month well-check.  We absolutely love his pediatrician.  She is wonderful.  She is sharp, warm, so perfectly suited for the toddler age in her creativity to make the visit not only comfortable, but really fun for him.  Everything was fine except that after listening to his heart multiple times (I had a hunch something was up when that part of the exam went much longer than normal), she said she heard a small heart murmur.  She gave us paperwork with a referral to a pediatric cardiologist.  She said it was nothing to lose sleep over and that we didn't need to make a rush appointment, but since the heart murmur was new and had never been heard before, that we should get it checked out with a specialist.  

Since I majored in music (twice), I know nothing about a heart murmur.  I also know with 100% certainty that googling it was a bad idea for me.  I mentally decided, while she was still talking, to delegate the googling to perhaps my husband who could then maybe filter the information appropriately for me.  I called the number on the referral sheet and made an appointment from the kitchen before even taking off my coat.  Luckily, they had an opening with a pediatric cardiologist for the very next Tuesday.  It was a long weekend.  

We went to the appointment today.  Because we live in NoVa, the office was very nice, very clean, very tech-savvy, and of course very serious.  After the initial weight/height intake, they immediately did an EKG.  I had flashbacks (not the good kind) to our NICU experience with lots of wires, machines, and generally feeling helpless.  I am forever thankful for my husband who sat his 6'5" frame up on the exam table next to what looked like a very small Arthur and on top of the crinkly paper, and held his little hand through it.  

The cardiologist was very nice and very informative.  Arthur has what is called a Stills Murmur.  In doctor-world, it sounds like a rubber band.  He literally said it's musical.  (hooray?)  It is quiet.  Most importantly, it is of the innocent murmur category, and has nothing to do with any sort of heart malfunction or potential problem.  It requires no treatment, no monitoring, no worry whatsoever, and this information was repeated in multiple ways from multiple angles.  We were educated on the basics of heart murmurs and when they are worrisome vs. not.  He made a slightly informal suggestion that if/when Arthur requires a sports physical at age 13, that we seek out his office for that, because otherwise the "doc in a box" will react alarmingly to a heart murmur and send us back to the cardiologist anyway before clearing him to play sports.  We otherwise have zero reason to ever step foot in there again.  

Cue the longest exhale, followed later by sobbing in relief the first chance I got a moment alone.  In between those two things, we took "red one" (his ride-on toy) to the playground for some much needed sunshine and extended play.  

January 6

Today is MY half-birthday!  I indulged in two small, but luxurious from my current perspective things:  a giant sweet tea from McDonald's and using the sugar scrub in the shower (which I use as a sporadic, mindful treat because it smells good).  It is also my great friend Kevin's actual birthday, so I am looking forward to reaching out to him tonight via text with some cleverly worded joke from our past.  Or maybe I'll just say happy birthday.